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Due to the continuing economic crisis and energy crunch, all elevators and escalators in the Capital City had been ruled inoperative and energy inefficient. Besides, having the state legislators climb all those flights of stairs encouraged physical fitness, not to mention heart attacks.
The wholesale Mississippi effort to shake its Fattest State in the Union recognition brought a smile from Washington D.C. Seated on his throne, King Obama proclaimed a special day in honor of the Magnolia State.
"I proclaim free seaweed and well water for everyone on Jan. 13. Those items will not be taxed for one day."
Response in Mississippi was mixed. Certainly, the people enjoyed one day of no tax on seaweed and water. Many residents grew their own food in secret gardens to avoid taxation.
Overwhelmed by heavy taxes, including an air tax, grateful millions turned to the East, shook their fists and shouted, "Obama! Obama! Obama! Long Live King Obama!"
Barbour, defeated as the GOP candidate in the last presidential election, had decided to keep the governor's job. No one dared argue that decision. In anger, he might raise the tax on food to 20 percent.
Barbour's 2009 platform to reduce spending in the Magnolia State had caused residents to revolt in mass numbers. There was a T-E-A Million Man March on the Capital City. Church's, Popeye's and Kentucky Fried Chicken ran out of cooking oil/grease as hard-working illegals attempted to feed the masses. It was chaos in the streets and chicken bones everywhere.
On the sports scene, consolidation of Mississippi's Big Three universities had met stiff opposition. However, wiser, more educated minds prevailed and the three athletic programs became one. A new 100,000-seat domed stadium in Jackson was scheduled to open in the fall of 2013. The United Mississippi University stadium is sold out two months before the first kickoff.
"U-M-U, We Want Two!" That cheer continues to grow in popularity around the Magnolia State.
Since the merger in 2010, the Big Three football programs had united and prospered. The Rebelious Golden Dogs won the BCS National Championship in 2012, beating Southern Cal 52-12 in the title game. Head coach Houston Nutt was given a contract extension but no raise due to the economic crunch. Co-offensive coordinators Larry Fedora and Dan Mullen, along with defensive coordinator Tyrone Nix, also received extensions and all the cheese their families could eat, compliments of the Starkville Dairy Products Combine.
Meanwhile, on the Mississippi Community/Junior College level, most of the schools had been consolidated in 2010. Co-Lin and Southwest, once bitter archrivals, became Homochitto Community College because of the national forest's close proximity to the respective campuses. Each campus has two home games next season. Tree bark, dipped in cane syrup, is a popular item at the concession stands.
All soccer games are played in Stone and Hurst Stadiums, much to the delight of the fans.
To their credit, the Fighting Homos, a shortened version of Homo Sapiens, worked out the consolidation kinks and became a powerful force in athletics. Former Co-Lin boss Glenn Davis coached them to the MACJC state football championship, beating Jones County/Pearl River 39-20 in the title game. Charles Anthony is defensive coordinator for the Homos whose adorable mascot favors a cross between sasquatch and a steroid-pumped swamp ape. Brett Shufelt works as recruiting coordinator for all the Homo athletic teams.
In Lincoln County, the high school scene has made dramatic changes since the reduction in funding for education. The four county schools have been consolidated with Brookhaven and become Lincoln Central.
With approximately 1,700 students in grades 9-12, the Lincoln Central Lasers boast an outstanding athletic program. Sports such as volleyball, wrestling and swimming have been added to the athletic department, giving more students an opportunity to participate in extra curricular activities. Lacrosse will be added to the mix in 2014 if the right coach can be found.
Back to reality, Professor Hoopla B.S., was searching for the right combination as the 2009 football season winds down. He predicted the winners of 16 games last week and managed to get 13 correct.
Here's a preview of this weekend's winners, starting with some Friday night high school state playoff games.
River Oaks at Brookhaven Academy: All signs point to another offensive show but there will be less scoring than last week as the Cougars capture the South State Class AA crown. Brookhaven Academy 30-21.
Lawrence County at Greene County: It's the third round of the Class 4A state playoffs and the Monticello-based Cougars wing it in Leakesville as they take care of the Wildcats. Lawrence County 24-10.
Franklin County at Morton: Panthers prove they have grown bigger, faster and stronger on a steady diet of home-grown chicken as they dispose of the Bulldogs in the South State Class 3A semifinals. Morton 20-12.
After enjoying a swig of Cherry Coke, Hoopla takes a gander at Saturday's collegiate scene.
Mississippi College at Huntingdon: Choctaws engage the Hawks in an NCAA Division III opening round playoff game in Montgomery, Ala. MC 33-23.
LSU at Ole Miss: Rebels are riding high after dismantling Tennessee. LSU has more talent and speed than the Vols. LSU 22-14.
Mississippi State vs. Arkansas: War Memorial Stadium in Little Rock is the scene of this hard-hitting SEC contest. Razorbacks by a TD. Arkansas 24-17.
Tulsa at Southern Miss: Golden Eagles appear to have their high-octane offense in gear as they dream of a bowl invitation. Southern Miss 32-19.
Alcorn State at Jackson State: In a dismal season for both teams, the Tigers salvage a win over their archrivals. Jackson State 18-10.
Valley State at Alabama A&M: After beating Jackson State, the Bulldogs focus on another SWAC also-ran. Alabama A&M 22-6.
Write to sports editor Tom Goetz, c/o The DAILY LEADER, P.O. BOX 551, Brookhaven, MS 39602 or e-mail sports@dailyleader.com
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