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Why do couples seek divorce late in life?
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| by MARGARET DICKSON, Up & Coming Weekly, September 15 - 21, 2004 |
September 15, 2004 |
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Last week a rumor floated my way from a neighboring state that two of my oldest friends, a couple married for more than three decades, have separated.
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This couple saw each other through separate professional schools. They have wonderful children, three of whom they have shepherded through college and helped plant the seeds of productive adult lives. Together they have lived through the ordeals of childhood and the angst of teenage years, and together they have weathered the deaths of their parents. They have changed careers, both finding professional niches that seem to fit. They have lived together in the same house for many years, adding on and redoing as family needs shifted. They remain active and responsible members of their community, and both are well known and well respected. Both are in their late 50s.
I was astounded and saddened by the news, but it is hardly the first time I have heard such stories. Another recent one came from two high school classmates who married in a haze of romance during their junior year in college. As their second and last child finished up college, the wife got her own apartment. He was flabbergasted but has since "adjusted" and is moving on. Another high school friend was equally stunned when her husband of three decades announced one Saturday morning that he would not be coming back, and he has not been.
My walking partner and I have discussed this circumstance over many miles of pavement in the early morning hours. She maintains that it occurs when two long-marrieds suddenly find themselves alone in the house in which they were so busy, so occupied, so intent on the day-to-day routine and frenzy of combining work and family life that they simply lost track of each other. By the time the last child leaves home for the real world, they no longer recognize each other. The handsome and ambitious young husband and father he once was and the lovely and devoted wife and mother she once was have become two middle aged people who may no longer have much in common once their mutual "glue" - children - fades away.
There in the stark silence of their once-bustling home they realize the people they were have morphed into other people entirely. If they are lucky, these two new people like, maybe even come to love, each other. If they choose to, they can work together to build a new relationship within the context of their marriage, a relationship which can turn out to be even better than the original bonding so many years before. Or, they may just grit their teeth and stick it out, since that was the plan they agreed on so long ago. But if they are not so lucky or if the wounds inflicted over many years of being together cannot heal, they will go their separate ways.
On Sunday mornings, I often read the newspaper announcements of couples who have been married for 30, 40, 50, even 60 years. These anniversaries are clearly important enough to the couples that they submit the occasion to the newspaper, often accompanied by then and now photographs, a slender young couple in dated fashions next to a couple of more robust and less hairy senior citizens. I salute and wonder about these couples, who are more the exception than the rule. How is it that their marriages survive when so many others do not?
My own maternal grandparents were married for more than 50 years, and I cherish her gold wedding ring engraved inside, JGD to MRW 1911. But they were the exception for their day and in centuries before theirs. During most of human history, death intervened more often than not when men labored long hours on farms and in factories and women gave birth to more babies than their bodies could really endure. I think the couples I read about in the newspaper now are the exception, too, not because today's Americans are at high risk of premature death, but because we are not. They are exceptions because they have found their own unique ways to make the institution of marriage work for them over the long haul when over the vast sweep of human history, marriage has been relatively short because life has been relatively short.
Several of my children's friends have married in their early 20s, and I have looked at these beautiful young people filled with so much hope and so much promise and wondered whether they will still be together when they reach their statistical life expectancies in their 70s and 80s. I hope so, but I also know that as they work on their careers and building their families, they will also have to work on keeping up with each other.
As for the rumor about my long time friends? At this point, it remains just that, a rumor, and I am keeping my fingers crossed that it stays that way. They have invested a great deal in each other, and their children and friends are invested in them.
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©Up & Coming Magazine 2009
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Jerry Fino |
Sep, 16 2004 |
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Ditto, my brother. But you don't have to be married for 30 years to get the heave-ho when you, as a husband & primary wage earner, have the unmitigaged NERVE to ask that your wife participate in the business of being a spouse, investing in the marriage relationship. I married in my 40's and quickly got banished to the back of the line ("but leave your check on the table.") Quite the bait-and-switch from when we dated, were engaged. Sound familiar guys?
Overnight I went from Who's Who to "who's he?!"with her child (previous marriage, also one she walked out on) and her family.
Part 2 of the double-whamie is that not only are an overwhelming number of divorces initiated by women who file (this is preceeded by months or years of advance planning), but our divorce laws are so feminized & lopsided in the woman's favor that no good (generous, chivalrous, self-sacrificing) deed goes unpunished. After 2 years of marriage and upon walking out, my ex asked for PERMANENT ALIMONY. Hell hath no fury... and these women have no scruples.
There are things that even a hooker won't do for money; not so for many many American wives who have the Good Guy by the short hairs & refuse to be loving, contributing wives. (Kindness even seems like too much to ask for.)
Not until I got shaken down & run out on did I start to talk with other men who experienced the same thing or, worse, they're STUCK in multiple decade marriages for the sake of the kids or not losing their A**es in court.
If you are lucky enough to find a woman who will actually partner with you & invest in the spousal relationship (the sub & super structure within which happy children are raised) then you are a lucky man, indeed. Your wife is also probably not an American.
So familiar these days for her to hide under the misguided priority of being Supermom (raising spoiled, over-attended to kids) and not having time for old whatzizname.
I got burned for 2 years and five healthy figures. With no common children. I got off easy, but it was still hell. Pity the rest of you guys who are hostages for decades and will surrender six-figures if you elect to salvage a few remaining years by getting away late in your lives. Who could blame you.
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craig miron |
Sep, 16 2004 |
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I perceive the cause of the break-up of "mature" marriages to be very simple and pervasive in our society. The vast majority of divorce is initiated by the wife (over 70%)...Oprah, Cosmo and various "Womens" magazines and feminist society are all telling women they are not being appreciated. Their lives are not being full of adventure, challenges and fullfilment...and it is somehow their husband's fault. She "falls out of love" for him and he just doesn't give her the support and whatever else the whine of the day demands on the talk shows. So she leaves. She'll get together with her friends in the same boat and they'll all commiserate about their rough lives and all they missed by being a mother and wife to that guy who just didn't appreciate them and prevented them from being self-actualized and happy.
The woman will find a 50 year old cannot compete with a 20-30 or even 40 year old...they are not the "saleable" commodity they were when they were in college. While their husband will find he is suddenly popular and "a catch". He's never been a catch before and he'll be amazed! He will very quickly start going with another woman, guys like female companionship and like being part of a couple. He didn't expect or demand his wife and partner make him "fulfilled" or protect him from life's bumps. His male friends don't watch TV and read articles about the horrible constraints women use to keep them from being happy and fulfilled...guys don't do that.
Oh well.
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