Seems fairly simply and straightforward, no? Good customer service - both providing it and receiving it - is a collaborative effort, a sort of symbiotic relationship between John Q. and Joe Business. It takes two to tango, after all.

So, while you read the following stories from the "other side" of the counter ... window ... register ... or what have you, keep in mind that we're all human and make mistakes. Patience and compassion are what's needed on both sides of the sales aisle ... let's just hope it gets here within six to eight weeks (plus shipping and handling) as the holidays loom ahead.

There's No Business ...

Service Provider: "Movie Miles Lane"

Time as a Referee/Manager: Five years

"The worst thing that ever happened to me, when I worked as a manager at a movie theatre was trying to break up a chick fight one night.

"There was a pair of females who were fighting over a male in one of our auditoriums. After customers came to complain to me, I went to break it up, and, of course, our security guard was gone. At first, I managed to get one of them to leave ... and I thought she was gone for good. Unfortunately, she returned moments later with a trash can, which she threw at the other girl, who ducked, and the can hit me!"

It's Not Just For Breakfast Anymore

Service Provider: "Freshly Squeezed Concessionaire"

Time Quenching Thirsts: Eight Years

"I don't remember what movie it was that came to my theatre one summer weekend, but it was selling out, and it brought a lot of hot, thirsty customers to the concession counters. A certain younger lady, who spoke with a thick foreign accent, walked up and placed an order that I couldn't understand. The conversation went like this:

"Me: 'Can I help you?'

"Her: 'I'd like some ornz ju.'

"Me: 'Pardon me, I didn't understand you.'

"Her (a bit louder): 'I said I'd like some ornzz juu.'

"I don't know what nationality she was, but her English wasn't that great. I looked to one of my fellow employees who'd been standing there and asked him if he understood her. He just shrugged his shoulders and walked away.

"I tried again.

"Me: 'I'm having trouble hearing what you said, I'm sorry, but could you repeat that?"

"Her (very slowly and loudly): 'I ... said ... I .... want ... some ... orrrrrnnnzzzz ... juuuuuwwwzz."

"Me: 'You want 'orange juice?'"

"Her (frustrated and even louder than before): 'Yes!'"

"Even though I wanted to laugh, I couldn't - because now I had to tell her, unfortunately, that we didn't have any 'orange juice.'"

Can I See Some ID?

Service Provider: "Box Office Bigot"

Time Selling Tickets: Three Years

"One complaint that always annoyed me was concerning one certain theatre's rated R movie policy. According to the rating policy nationwide, no one can see a rated R movie if they are under the age of 18, unless accompanied by a parent or legal guardian. That's not the case, however, for this specific theatre chain, which won't allow anyone the age of 17 and under to watch an R rated film.

"One night I had a group of teenage boys want to buy tickets for an R rated film. Not knowing their age, I asked to see some ID, which pissed them off to begin with. What made them even madder was when I told them that I couldn't sell them tickets for the show they wanted because none of them were 18.

"They started to curse and get even more mad, and I called my manager, who came over and explained the policy to them. That didn't make them any happier, so they started cursing some more. ... They got even more upset at this, but after a few minutes they all shut up - right before my boss called the police.

"With a straight face, one of them came back to the box office window and quietly asked my manager if he could use the theatre phone ... he and his friends had to call their moms to pick them up."

Satan Claus

Service Provider: "Shopping Center Santa"

Time in the Sleigh: Two Years

"During the holiday seasons, I would 'play Santa' at a local shopping center. I had to put on this hot, uncomfortable suit and fake beard and sit in one place while thousands (it seemed) of the worst children - and parents - ever conceived would take turns ruining my day.

"It must be an unwritten law of physics that all sleeping tykes must wake up angry - thus turning them from cute, cuddly, lovable, picturesque little humans into the seed of the Devil himself.

"Not only did these children start to wail bloody murder at the top of their lungs, but they're scared out of their minds of me - some giant, furry, red-colored, bloated stranger who's reaching out to hold them. This task was made no easier with the satin/silk gloves I had to wear ... no, I never dropped a child, but I came close enough to nearly give myself a cardiac arrest.

"Toss in the drool, runny noses, smelly underpants, and occasional vomit, and you've got a biohazard on your hands - and yet still parents would want their child's picture taken!"

Rent-a-Jerk

Service Provider: "Credit Card Collector"

Time Renting Wrecks: Four Years

"While working as a rental car representative during the '80s, I had a slightly frightful experience. In order to rent a car the renter was required to have two things: a valid driver's license and a credit card. As the rental rep., I was required to validate both prior to releasing a rental car.

"During the Christmas holidays one year, a gentlemen approached my counter and stated he had a reservation, so I began to process his paperwork. I requested his driver's license and credit card. His license was valid, but his credit card was declined - and the credit card company requested the card be picked up. This meant I had to keep this gentlemen's card.

"Needless to say, he wasn't pleased. I asked if he had another card he would like to use, and he said he did. I accepted the second credit card and it was declined, and, once again, I was instructed to pick up the card.

"By now, this gentlemen wasn't being a gentlemen, he was being loud and using foul language and quite obviously annoyed ... and I had to tell him I was going to have to keep his second credit card.

"To keep it short, he started climbing across the counter and I had to call security."

Seeing Red ... Beads

Service Provider: "Beadus Stealus Interruptus"

"I was working at a craft store - a very small one - just after September 11, and everybody was making patriotic pins, and they were getting the red, white and blue pins, so there was a huge demand for red, white and blue beads. Well, we sold out of all our beads and were constantly ordering more. The last thing we had was the 'seed' beads, which were very tiny - like bird seed - and we were down to the last package of red.

"Well, this woman came in and said that those beads were exactly what she was looking for, but another woman got to them first. So, the first woman asked the second woman if she didn't mind giving them up because they happened to match the colors of the item she was making, to which the other woman said 'no, I'm sure you can find beads somewhere else.'

"The first woman said something to me about how rude it was that she'd been treated, and then turned to me and asked me 'aren't you going to do anything about it?' I told her that I was sorry that the other woman got to the beads before she did. And so she then proceeded to scream at me about how I should've taken the beads from the other woman and given them to her - just because they happened to be the ones she needed. And these were women in the 60s and 70s!"

CUSTOMERS

There is a reason there are more stories in the "Customer Service" side. It's because it's more interesting to read what the other side goes through, since we're all customers at some point.

We also all have horror stories. Most of them are of the "I was ignored/I was mistreated" variety. It's so common that the uniqueness has worn off. With that said, here are a few examples that you can read to assure you that you're not alone.

If you have a story to share, send us an email at thager@upandcoming

mag.com. And, oh yeah, also jot a letter to the offending merchant. They won't improve until we let them know they have a problem.

A Little Help Please

"I had spent quite a bit of money at a computer store on a monitor. At the time, I was in school and I had been saving for some time to buy the piece of equipment. So I get it home and I hook it up and it wouldn't work.

"So I go back to the store, a little upset, but not too much. I figure I'll just exchange it and be back home in an hour. I wait in the return line for over 30 minutes.

"I finally get up and explain that the monitor was broke when I took it home and I wanted to exchange it. The return lady just looks at me and says, 'Are you sure it is broke?' I explain to her, politely, that, yes, it is broke. So she goes to the back and comes out a few minutes later and says, 'Did you open the box?' I tell her that I did, of course, that is how I knew it wouldn't work. She tells me that they can't give me my money back on something that expensive because I opened it. I take a deep breath and explain, again, that I didn't want my money back, I wanted to exchange it.

"Long story short, I wait another 15 minutes before she finally comes back and tells me that I have to take the monitor to another station, because she can't make the exchange for me. I lost it, a little, and say, 'Why didn't you tell me that 15 minutes ago?' She says, 'Because you asked for a refund, not an exchange.'"

Fast Food in Name Alone

"We were going to take the kids to the movies and we decided to stop at a (insert name of popular fast food restaurant here) first for dinner. Well, time got away from us and we realized that we were only going to have about 20 minutes to eat. Luckily, there's a (insert popular fast food restaurant name here) right next to the theatre.

"We walked in and all stopped two steps in the door because we thought for a moment that it was closed. We didn't see any people. Then we saw two customers on the far side of the restaurant. They were the only two people in the restaurant. My husband and I looked at each other and said, 'Good, this will be quick.' We walked up to the counter prepared to order. Yes, we were ready to order when we approached the counter.

"So, we see all the regular players behind the counter. There was a car at the drive through window and the drive through cashier did appear to be somewhat busy. There were two counter cashiers who were standing there when I approached. Neither of them spoke.

"One then walked over to the french fry bin and began salting the fries. The other reached under the counter and took out a trash bag and started opening it to put it in a trash can I assume. I looked at her and smile. It was at first a genuine smile until I realized that she was ignoring me. So, I stood for a moment and she continued to ignore me. My husband saw what was happening and asked loudly, 'Have you placed your order yet? The movie starts in 20 minutes.' I replied, 'Not yet.' She then looks at me for a moment and then looks away. After just another moment I asked, 'Is this register open?' She then tells me 'someone will be with you in a minute' and she points at the other cashier who is now putting fried in boxes. Who she was boxing fries for I have no idea!

"By that time the car at the drive through was gone and the drive through cashier was even standing doing nothing. I guess she was assuming that we would want a lot of fries and that it was more important to box them right away before taking the order.

"Needless to say, we left the restaurant and went elsewhere."

I Can't Hold It

A few Christmases back there was one toy that all the kids wanted. Well, I finally located it for my niece at a store an hour away. I asked the clerk if he could hold if for me and got his name. He said he could and I told him I'd be there in an hour.

"So, I speed over to the store. I go in and find Bob, the kid on the phone, and ask him for the toy. He tells me they are all sold out. I explained who I was, reminded him of the conversation, and he said, 'Yeah, well, someone else wanted it, so I gave it to them.' I wanted to kill him. I asked him why he said he'd hold it for me if he knew he had no intention to. He just stuttered and told me he had to go on break."